Without These Tears
by teaisgood
Summary: He was diagnosed with cancer. But, he's in love with a girl. Who? Hinamori Amu. Despite his limited days, he tries to live his life for her sake. Nevertheless, when she finds out, she can't control the tears that start to pour out of her eyes. One-Shot.


It was an unexpected gloomy day in Tokyo. It was summer time, and the only thing that shone, was the sunlight. Not to mention, all the love-dovey couples you would see every block. Love was in the air, as well as lustful inclinations. But contradicting the mood, the weather was depressing… it was very offbeat.

Hinamori Amu, age 19, was currently subsisting in a medium-sized apartment. She moved fairly far away from her parents; it took about one hour to drive up there, considering there was no traffic. Which was extremely rare.

She didn't live alone though. Her roommate was her one friend she could say she had feelings for.

Tsukiyomi Ikuto.

His long, shaggy blue hair; his lovely-yet-lustful sapphire eyes. Overall, his whole personality. No, overall, his whole 'being' as a human. She admitted to herself she fell in love with him, and only him. Sure, she had a few crushes, but her heart only belonged to him.

And only him.

Although they both adored each other, neither of them admitted it. Well, they have admitted it when they were smaller, but they don't really see that as a true confession, although it could easily pass for one.

She knows, throughout her life he was the one taking all the pain for here. That's why she lived such a happy, go-lucky life. It wasn't until she was older she realized what he had done.

She couldn't repay him. Never. No matter how much money she had, or what luxurious, recherché items she had, she could never repay him. He probably stayed up all night crying out cries that no one could hear. Not even someone standing right next to him. The worst part of it was, Amu was the one standing right next to him, unable to hear him.

Unable to hear his heart.

But in her head, everything was fine now. She was living with her best friend, who just happened to be the person she loved. Her job made nice pay, and her friends were living their lives just as blissfully as her.

"So, why do you have to go to the doctor again?" She asked, driving her silver BMW through the crowded, traffic-ingested streets of Japan.

"I gotta go pick up some vitamin pills. You know, to keep my healthy. Keep ma' bones strong."

She lightly chuckled as he tried to accent' that last line. She always loved how he could make her laugh; how he brought out _Amu_ and not _Hinamori Amu_.

That skill of his pretty much told her heart enough he was the one for her. She lived everyday waking up from her bed, looking at the clock. If she woke up early enough on certain days, she could sneak into his room and gaze upon his beauteous face, before hitting him with a pillow to wake up him.

They were best friends.

However, if she tried to tell her feelings once again, she was afraid. Afraid of what? That he might deny her, and ruin their perfect relationship… _forever_. 'He probably found a new girl he likes' or even 'loves' she thought, constantly, at work. At home. During her dreams. It burdened her, unable to let go of those words.

The words of, 'I love you'.

Inadvertently, he loved her. No other girl had ever been visible in her eyes, besides of course, Amu. But he had the same worries, confessions could lead to wreckage.

"Finally! Who knew there would be this much traffic here?" She exclaimed, pulling up to the large, vast parking lot.

He simply smiled at her absurd, complaining comment. That was one of the reasons he loved her, how she was oblivious to the obvious things around her. But, that was also what pained him the most. How his love was blind. How her love was blind.

They both got out, and approached the large, metallic-like building. They were at a very large hospital, like the ones you see in those dramas. The setting for all those corny, cliché doctor dramas.

Oh please.

Amu reluctantly grabbed Ikuto's left arm, and walked with him. She knew he wouldn't get the message of 'Let's be a couple' from her action, but the message of 'We're best friends'.

They both walked, _together._

*~~^~~*

"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you, Ikuto?"

"I'm fine; just wait out here like a good little girl, alright?"

She lightly slapped his arm, as he responded with a small laugh. The office they were in was quite large. The hospital itself had doors, doors which led to offices. There was a lobby inside them, as well as couches. There were several rooms in the lobby, which led to the actual doctor's office. There was also a bathroom, right next to one of the doctor's offices. It was overall, quite spacey.

They were both sitting, waiting for Ikuto's doctor, Yoru. He was quite famous for his surgeries. He was known as 'The Savior' for the amount of lives he saved. He had never lost one, as impossible as that sounds. Corny, I know. Truthful? Yes.

As if right on cue, a man of Ikuto's height stepped out of the office next to the bathroom. He had dark blue hair, almost black, with cat-like features. He wore a white coat, which was obviously a doctor's coat, a blue-collared undershirt, and black pants. Not to forget, black shoes.

"Ah, Ikuto. Over here, please." He gestured.

Ikuto got up from his seat, letting go of Amu's hands. He walked toward the office without a second glance, to look back at her.

She ignored the disappointment in her eyes, as she picked up a magazine on one of the tables beside her. She flipped through it, as if Ikuto wasn't even there. She knew he would be alright. Why?

He always pulled through those tough situations.

*~~^~~*

"Nice to see you again, Ikuto." Yoru asked, in the sincerest voice he could offer.

"You too, doc."

Yoru pulled out a capsule from his drawer. It had around thirty pills in them, all of them the color of red, an almost pink color. However, you couldn't really see through the orange tint the capsule had.

The atmosphere turned dark, as Yoru's face stiffened. His tone became much more serious, as it had a compliment of pity. Ikuto's however, remained unfazed. He simply held his gaze out the window, looking at the gloomy clouds. The depression from the environment was enough for him. He didn't need the doctor's pity.

"How," He hesitated, "Have you been holding up lately, Ikuto?"

"I'm… doing okay. I guess."

He handed him the pills.

"Are you still taking these pills? They help slow down the spreading of… the disease." Yoru asked, completely concerned of his patient's state.

"I take it when I can."

Yoru gave out a sigh, dissatisfied by his answer. When he can? He's supposed to take it everyday, possibly for the rest of his… remaining life.

"It's hard, doctor. My body's always sore, my head hurts, and I have no appetite. And…something inside hurts. I can't tell you what though."

"I know, Ikuto. These pills are supposed to get rid of that. Tell me, have you really been taking them?"

Ikuto made a change of movement, as he moved slightly in his seat. His eyes still wonderfully on-contact with the clouds.

"No. I haven't."

Yoru's mouth almost gaped open, shocked by his response.

"H-How are you… still alive? How did y-you endure all that pain? It's impossible…"

"This girl."

"Girl? What girl? What has she been giving you?"

Ikuto quietly chuckled at his misunderstanding.

"She hasn't been helping me physically, but emotionally."

Ikuto gave a small smile.

"She's… someone I love. Maybe that's why. I try and endure; I try and keep myself alive so I can see her just one more day."

Yoru closed his eyes, knowing the destiny he was set to face. Destiny couldn't be changed, people argued. It's something that was laid out the moment you were born, and would stay laid out. Each step you take only brings you closer to this destiny. It's what God has done; it's what people call the cycle of life.

"Ikuto," He sighed, "Seeing as how you weren't taking these pills…the cancer cells are already taking over. You…don't have much long."

"I know. I'm fully aware I could die any moment."

"How can you talk about this so freely? What about this girl? Don't you want to keep seeing her?" He asked in a, I'm-worried-about-you voice.

"Yeah, I do. But…"

"But?"

"I'm not that great of a guy, to be honest." He laughed. "If I try and get close to her now, my death would only hurt her more. Plus, I'm sure there are other guys out there, more suitable for her."

Yoru gave out another sigh. Completely begrudged by his attitude.

"Does she know about this? That you have cancer?"

"No. I don't plan to tell her."

"What are you going to do when you _do_ die? You don't have much time left..."

"I'm going to tell her I moved. That I moved to America." He said, forthrightly.

"Wha-."

"I have a close friend of mine over there. He knows I have cancer. He's agreed to help me act if I was still alive, by sending her a gift every now and then, using my name."

Yoru's eyes grew even disapproval as he heard his patients _plan_.

"You're a pretty crazy guy- Ikuto…"

Ikuto got up from his seat, pills in his pocket, and head toward the door. He knew his time would come. But he fought time. He tried to make an illusion, and illusion to make it look as if time stopped for him. But, time never stops for any man. No one.

"Ikuto-! You could still always try chemotherapy! You still have a chance of survival…" Yoru exclaimed in the background, frantically saying what he wanted to say before his friend left his office.

Ikuto just waved his hand, opened the door, and exited the office.

*~~^~~*

Our little pink-haired girl was sitting quietly in the spacious lobby. The lady at the front stepped out for a bit, saying she needed to get some papers. So now, it was just Amu sitting. Alone. In this lonely confinement you call a lobby.

She read through the Elle magazine pretty quickly, merely skimming it. She already had a subscription to it, so, she had already read all of them. Yes, she was fashion diva.

"Ugh, what's taking so long?" He impatiently snickered, tapping her feet.

As she tried to pass the time quicker, she decided to use the restroom. Her mother always said washing your hands was a necessity. That, she should do it any chance she had. Why? Sicknesses and disease were spreading quite quickly, due to germs. And, lack of wash of hands.

As she walked to the bathroom, she passed by Ikuto's room. The room was quite enough, and their voices were loud enough. She could hear what they were saying.

So, knowing our Amu's curiosity, she lightly pressed her ear against the door, trying to hear what they were talking about. And to see what was taking them so long. I mean, how long does it take to hand someone some pills? Surely it didn't take this long. She had places to go, things to see.

It took a few seconds to adjust to the volume, but she could hear clearly now.

"Does she know about this? That you have cancer?"

Her eyes widened with shock, terror filled her heart. Her legs were completely gone as she tried to keep herself up with whatever support she could fine. Her hand was muffled over her mouth, trying to conceal the sobs that were escaping. Tears fell uncontrollably down her cheek, not looking to stop anytime soon.

Her body was slightly shaking, as something inside of her was hurting, painfully hurting. It was agonizing. The words she never wanted to hear from a doctor, that she had cancer. But this was worse. Someone more important to her than herself had cancer.

Ikuto.

She completely blocked out any more of the conversation, afraid as to what she might hear. She ran into the bathroom, and cried. She sat crouched in the corner, crying her eyes out.

_Crying her heart out._

Imagine, getting hit by a truck. Your bones completely broken, then someone comes and stabs you. While another person repeatedly starts to shoot you with a gun. All while another car hits you. Then, you get struck by lightning, followed by someone beating you with a hammer. Now, multiply that by 10, and you now feel a small amount of pain Amu is feeling.

Cancer? Sure, some people survive it… but. But. It seemed hopeless. The word that came to mind when someone said cancer was death. Death. The meaning in which someone passes away. Where you'll never be able to talk to them again, see them smile, cry, see them mad. It'll be gone, forever.

This hurt even more since; he was the one she loved. She would give anything for him. Just this once, she wanted to feel _his pain_. Even if she couldn't endure it, she wanted it. Especially if it mean he would feel less of it. She felt… completely useless.

So, she just sat there, crying. Unable to move, feel, or see.

But she had to get a grip on herself. He couldn't see her like this. He would feel even worse, and that was the last thing she would want. For him to feel any more burden, and pain. That was absolutely the last thing she wanted.

So she got herself together, and put on a fake smile. Although, this was hard. Harder than you could imagine.

She stepped out the bathroom, after washing herself up. She looked out the lobby, and saw Ikuto. He was just sitting on the couch, as if nothing happened. As if he didn't have cancer. As if he wasn't going to die.

And she knew why.

For her sake. So she wouldn't cry over it, pain over it, fret over it. She knew everything he did was for her, whether she knew it or not. He was always there for her, always. Like a safety blanket to fall on when you have nothing else to fall on.

"Yo, Amu. About time, what took you so long?" Ikuto asked, cheerfully. Kind of like that attitude Kuukai always had. Except it was much cooler, considering it was Ikuto.

"I-I was j-just washing my hands…that's all." She replied, trying to imitate his voice. Too bad she failed miserably. She held back her tears, her cries. She now knew what it was like to be in Ikuto's shoes.

To be completely misunderstood. To be looked down on, to be hated. All because he was trying to help out someone he loved. She understood now.

"Anyway, I heard there was this new restaurant that opened up not too far from here. Wanna go? Since you eat so much, I'll get you anything you want." He sarcastically said.

She didn't know how he did it. How he acted positive. How he completely ignored the fact he could die at any moment. She just couldn't grasp how he pulled it off

"S-Sure…why not…"

"Alright, let's go."

"Ikuto-."

"Don't worry; I'll pay, since you're too poor." He joked.

She just followed him quietly, dragging herself to her car. She never said a word, only agreed to whatever he said. It was hard to hold back her tears. Her aches. It was hard. Harder than anything she had ever done in her life.

But she did it for him.

*~~^~~*

"Yo, Amu. Do you know where we keep the coffee mix?"

"It's in the u-upper right cupboard."

She saw him looking through the upper right cupboard; then he made a 'ah!' face, seeing as he found the mix.

He promptly put some of the grounded coffee beans into the coffeemaker, and sat himself down next to Amu on the couch. The television was turned off, and the room wasn't so bright. The lights were off, and it was raining outside. The whole atmosphere fit into Amu's feelings. It was cold… and sad. Extremely sad.

They both sat there quietly. Ikuto was staring at a wall on the opposite side of him, as Amu was looking down at her fingers. She played with them as she felt feelings of nervousness, and cheerlessness.

The coffeemaker made a small 'ring' sound, telling them the coffee was ready to be served. Ikuto got up from the couch, trying to get some of the battery acid, when he felt something hold his arm, holding him.

As he turned to see what it was, Amu stood up and hugged him. She was crying. Crying hard into his chest, completely drenching it in a matter of seconds. She let out small whimpers and sobs uncontrollably. He just stood there, unable to hug her back in fear of why she was doing this.

"I-Ikuto…you… you're always taking…all that pain for me… you can't leave me…not now…" She said in between her waterworks.

"A-Amu, what're you talking about…?"

"I know you have cancer! I know you might die!" She yelled.

His eyes widened as his body became cold. He felt something break inside of him, guess what it was? His heart. It shattered, it exploded. Like a self-destructive force that was bound to be set off. He didn't want her to know. He couldn't. But she did. His plan, to take all the pain away from her, to make her happy just failed.

"Ikuto… you're always saying that… it's going to be alright to me… even through you're the one… who's hurting a lot more than me…"

He wrapped his arms around her, closing his eyes. She hated to see her cry. Especially since it was because of him. He would do anything to make her stop crying, whether it be to cut off a limb, or to become blind. Anything.

Absolutely anything.

"It's going to be alright, Amu…don't worry." He softly spoke into her ear, holding her tightly.

"There… you go again! Even though you're hurting… so much… you always put me first…"

"Don't cry, Amu. Your heart hurts when you cry, doesn't it… don't cry."

She couldn't follow what he told her. Her sobs became louder as her tears started to _literally_ pour out. If she could just take a little of that pain away… even just a little…

"Don't worry…Amu…even if I die," She clutched his body even tighter, "You should live a happy life… with a man you love. Not…a guy like me, I'm not that great…so you should-."

"I can't live a happy life! Not when… you're not in it… Ikuto…"

He sat them both down, as he continued to let her cry into his chest. His shirt was completely soaked now, not that he cared.

"You've, always taken all that pain away from me… even when we were kids… from Easter and thugs… and… I couldn't do a single thing… to protect you…" She bawled.

"I'll always be with you, as your guardian angel. And since when was the last time you cried like this? What happened to that Cool N' Spicy Amu?" He spoofed.

She couldn't help but give a small chuckle through her crying. No matter what, he always made her feel… happy. Special. Like she was someone important in this world. Only he could pull it off. Only him.

Only Ikuto.

As the hours passed, Amu quietly began to settle down. Ikuto went to change shirts since his previous one was stained from all those tears, her tears. She sat on the couch, knees tucked into her chest, as she wiped up the rest of her tears.

Ikuto came out from his room, and grabbed two mugs. He poured them both with some coffee, and gave one to Amu. She sipped it quietly, as Ikuto comforted her. He wanted to… hold her. Tell her that he loved her.

But he couldn't.

Neither of them could.

But they knew deep in their hearts, they truly loved one another. They were meant to be, whether it be this world, or the next.

*~~^~~*

I tried to visit his grave as often as I could. He passed away about a month after I found out. I couldn't control how I felt when that happened. To be honest, I tried to commit suicide myself, but I felt like remnants of Ran, Miki, and Suu in my heart held me back. Don't forget Dia. I knew they were right, so I decided to live my life.

Every night I looked up at the stars, knowing one of them was the man I loved, Tsukiyomi Ikuto. And of course, in my dreams, I would always talk to him. He would always ask me, 'How are you doing?' and 'You look like you've gained some weight'. So honestly, I knew it was alright.

I knew he kept his promise, to be my guardian angel.

But something that I regret was that I couldn't tell him that I loved him. I couldn't tell him my feelings when he was still around. That's something that'll always be etched into my heart, shattered or whole.

I didn't get married, nor did I go on any dates. Whenever a guy tried to ask me out, I would always say I had a boyfriend, or that I was married. I was referring to Ikuto of course.

Whenever it would rain, I knew it was Ikuto. I knew he was crying, and those were the days where I sat at home alone, calling in sick for work. I drank some of the coffee he would give me, and sit on my couch, clutching at my heart.

But I knew I would see him again.

I remember visiting his doctor since he called me, and asked to meet up with me. I went over to his office, which felt awful. The whole nostalgia thing got to me, and I felt like collapsing right there. But.

But.

Ikuto told me to never cry, so, I never cried since that day on. He always knew what was right, and what was wrong. I never questioned his judgment, and that's saying a lot seeing how I'm so stubborn, as he would tell me.

The doctor, Yoru, said that he wasn't taking the medicine like he was supposed to. He said the thing that drove him to stay alive was… _me_. Unfortunately, at the moment I cried and broke down, but quickly recovered. Hope you didn't see that one, Ikuto!

The doctor told me he loved me, and how I was the one that drove him to wake up everyday, ignoring any kind of pain he was feeling. He said they would all disappear whenever I would look at him, talk to him, or even be around him.

I remember what the doctor said after that,

"In my opinion, the true cure to cancer is not medicine and therapy, but love. Willpower and love are the cures."

As corny as that sounded, I believed in that too. That's when I start to think, maybe if I told him I loved him, then he would still be around… just maybe. That stupid stubborn side of me always got in the way, I was afraid. But, not anymore.

When I was looking through Ikuto's stuff, I found something. It was a small black box, in a leather-like texture. I opened it, and saw a ring. It was silver, as it had a diamond on it. It looked horribly expensive, and I found out that it was. I went to a nearby jewelry store, and the guy there said that ring was one-of-a-kind. That even those famous people would have a hard time getting it. But the thing that surprised me the most was what he had engraved in it. It said: _Amu, I love you. Let's be together, forever. _And here I thought he couldn't get any cornier. Guess he proved me wrong.

And in the end, I never cleaned out Ikuto's room. Everything's still there. You know why I didn't clean it out? Because I still had this feeling he would come back, saying he just left to keep me safe, or whatever excuse he had that time. But, it wasn't his turn to come to me. It was my turn to come to him.

I recall I once had a close experience with death when I was crossing a street; a car was speeding right at me, until I felt something push me. The care barely missed me, and when I looked to see who pushed me, no one was there. It was moments like those I knew he was looking after me.

I swear, sometimes I could see him smirking at me, trying to bite my ear or something. Or always making fun of me, making be blush, or making me angry. I could literally see it.

Then it happened.

I was 24, when I went to the doctors because I wasn't feeling so good. I felt nauseous, my head was killing me, and my insides felt like they were burning. I went for a checkup, and they examined me.

Surprisingly enough, I had cancer. Just like Ikuto.

They said they had no idea how I got it. The only explanation they could offer was how I was _feeling,_ as if I wanted cancer. And to be honest, I wasn't sad with the news at all. I denied any medicine or chemotherapy. Why?

Because I wanted to see him.

I knew he didn't want me to die this quickly, I'm sure he hoped I at least got to live out the life I wanted. But to be honest, I couldn't. Not without him. So really, it was like an empty promise. Sorry Ikuto, this time I can't follow what you say, I guess you could call me selfish. Oh well.

I remember feeling the pain, the side effects from having cancer. It felt horrible, but I knew I wanted it. I wanted to feel what Ikuto felt, I wanted to take that pain away from him. After all he's done; this was of the least things I could do. I didn't cry or complain.

The nurse that would stop every now and then would always tell me that I was strong. Stronger than any other patient she met. That's what I wanted to be. Strong. Strong enough to protect Ikuto. My Ikuto.

The last thing I recall was closing my eyes, my body had just shut down. It couldn't take anymore pain, neither could I. The pain of not seeing _him_. It felt like a second, a second of pure darkness. I couldn't see anything, and I regained my sight.

And I saw him.

I guess I was up in Heaven, Thank God. I confessed my love to him, and he confessed his to me.

"Ikuto, I love you."

He smiled back, and brought his lips right in front of mine.

"Amu, I love you too."

And he kissed me. It was perfect. A picture perfect moment. I finally did it, and we were finally able to be together. Just like how I wanted. So then, I told myself, destiny can be changed. It just depends; will you try enough until the chance comes? Well you should, because good things come to those who wait.

So here I am, up in Heaven with the man I love. Tsukiyomi Ikuto. After all of this, I can tell you one thing.

Follow your heart.

And always your heart.

*~~^~~*

Alright, so, I wanted to write a sad story. I tried, and that's what matters right? Effort.

And yes, I admit it. The part where she's in Heaven telling this story is pretty corny. But hey, stories like this are supposed to be corny, or else, it just wouldn't be right. Sorry for the grammatical mistakes, if I have any, which I'm sure, I do.

Thanks for reading. Appreciate it, a hell lot. Reviews would be helpful too. Later.


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